The Balgove Course (St. Andrews)

Learning to be a dad who plays golf with his sons

                  We played the Balgove course several times while we were staying in St. Andrews. It is a flat-ish 9 hole course that is ideal for families and beginners. This allowed me and my boys to play “real golf” in “The Home of Golf.” It is not expensive, not typically busy, and we loved it.  It would be great for a late afternoon round with buddies or to play by yourself, if you wanted to work on your game.  One of the things that I (as a father) learned on the Balgove course is that I can be “that guy”.  That Dad who drives his sons to tears while trying to “help” them on the course. Young fathers, if you have not learned these yet, here are a few of the immutable laws of golf with your sons. If the son is lined up to hit the ball way too far right and then you advise him to aim much more left, he will (seemingly on purpose) hit the worst pull of his young life.  If he is lined up left and you gently suggest that he aim just a little more to the right, he will make his worst swing of the day and it will be your fault. If you suggest putting it instead of chipping it, he will not get the ball to the putting surface with the putter, and then he will switch to a wedge and somehow chip it to 6 inches. And if you are with two or more sons, one will be playing very well while the other one is breaking down with such frustration of poor play that it will start to cause a scene.  Having not grown up with my Dad constantly in the picture, I am not sure that I navigate these scenarios too well.  As a boy, I craved instruction and advice when I could get it, which I did not often receive simply because he was not there. But to my Dad’s credit, he was there sometimes, and I have no recollection of him getting into the type of emotional tug-of-war that I can with my boys.  We are emotional people (recall the tears on the train platform). My kids want to please and impress me but also have unrealistic expectations of their own golf games.I can vividly remember my Dad’s words of almost giddy delight at how well that my brother and I chipped and putted during one round that we played together. I can feel them in my heart right now as I type – and this was not in my childhood, this was the morning before my younger brother’s law school graduation. Reunion Golf Course, Madison, Mississippi around the 11^th or 12^th hole.   I was 32 years old.

                  I also understand that having just-higher-than-reasonable expectations of your golf game is part of what makes golf so special. It starts early and stays as long as you play the game in a meaningful way. It no doubt hinders your progress, but it is a result of the infection that takes over your mind and your body when you fall in love with golf.

I have noticed that one of my least favorite people to play with is someone who says “I used to get mad at myself and throw clubs when I hit bad shots and then I realized, I am not good enough to have such high expectations, so now I just enjoy it more, it’s just fun, we are all out here to have fun.” Now, I don’t like anyone throwing clubs, and everyone should find a non-disruptive and most effective release-valve for the pressure that fills your chest when you hit a terrible shot.  And, yes, managing expectations is one of, if not the most important thing to master as a golfer. It is necessary for growth in life, it fosters acceptance of circumstances and allows you to move forward. But to me it is not what is required to “have fun”. The acceptance of a bad shot should take place in your own heart and mind, but please don’t rehearse that refrain to me about golf being more fun if I am realistic about expectations. Sometimes I shoot 85 and I am unhappy during certain parts, but it was still fun. Sometimes I shoot 72 and catch a bunch of good breaks and it was still fun.  I enjoy golf for the spirit of the game, the outdoors, the comaradery, the whole vibe. But I also enjoy the challenge. Maybe that is it, becoming the best golfer you can be involves being realistic about how often you may not hit it exactly where you want to, or when a putt lips out, or when you are hitting a sudden and uncharacteristic slice with your driver one day; something that you’ve never seen and don’t know how to fix. Part of the fun to me is thinking about the possibility that a bad approach shot might put me in a position to hit the best bunker shot I have ever hit. Maybe there will be a putt that lips “in”. How can I manage this crazy bad slice without losing my mind?

                  So, back to Balgove. Shouldn’t my 10 and 12 year-old sons want to learn all of that right now? If I wonder whether or not to say something, isn’t it better to risk bringing them to tears by just going ahead and saying it?

“I was afraid that would happen when you gripped the club that way, let me show you”or (maybe worse) “see how much better you hit it when you did what I suggested?”

(HINT: the answer is “NO”, I should not just “go ahead and say it”)

I hope that I will become like Davis Love Jr.  who was a respected teaching professional at a reputable course. In his book about his dad, Davis Love III tells a story about a member seeking out his father to tell him that his sons were in the practice area trying to hit balls onto the green by going under, over, or through a golf cart positioned between them and the target. His father replied (with concern), “Did it look like they were having fun?”

“Well…yes,” answered the member.

“Good.” He smiled and went on with his day. 

I truly long for that spirit to take hold of my heart and that my relationship with my sons (and daughter) will be colored more by those types of moments.  May God protect all of us fathers in this realm and protect our children. 

Henry(10) at Balgove with a putt for a true birdie, Benji (12) on the Tee at Corrie Golf Club on the Isle of Arran